Knife's Edge
by LoveIsAllYouNeed96
Summary: One blade. One depressed Winchester. One panicked older brother.
1. Chapter 1

"Sammy!..." I heard his voice call. "Sammy!..." His tone so taunting. I flickered my eyes open to see him sitting on the wooden chair by the table in the motel room. "Hey bunk buddy!" He smiled.

Washing a hand down my face, I wished that he would just let me sleep, even if it was just for a few hours. Seeing Lucifer was becoming more of a regular thing with him showing up everywhere. I turned to the side table and glanced at the clock. '8:45'. Dean had gone out for food and in his absence, I hoped that I could at least lie down for an hour without being questioned about my mental and physical state.

Peeling back the covers, I got out of bed and walked through into the bathroom before closing the door behind me trying to keep Lucifer out.

"Oh, Sam..." He spoke before appearing just behind me. "You can't get rid of me that easily." He smirked.

I pushed down on the wound on my hand, enduring the pain in the hope that Lucifer would just vanish...but he didn't.

Lucifer shook his head. "That doesn't seem to be working."

Grabbing a knife, I traced the blade along my arm drawing a line of blood which spilled out of the cut and coloured my arm dark red.

Lucifer began to flicker, but didn't disappear. "It's gonna' take a lot more than that!"

Cutting away at the skin, the pain began to intensify until he eventually poofed away. By now though, I had lost a lot of blood, and I felt woozy. Despite this, the pain felt good...It felt, relieving.

"Sammy!" Shouted Dean as he banged on the door. "I forgot my key."

'Shit!' Quickly turning on the tap, I dunked my arm underneath the flow of water causing me to wince in pain as the cold liquid entered the cuts. I then used the towel to dry off my arm, washed away the blood in the sink and pulled on a long sleeve t shirt to hide the cuts before opening the door to Dean.

"What took you so long?" He asked, walking inside and dumping the food bag down on the table.

"Sorry."

* * *

I did this for a week or two, changing arms each day. Cutting deeper and deeper as my hallucinations worsened, I was spurred on by the wonderful feeling that accompanied the pain. It took away all of the crap in my life and replaced with a floating sensation.

* * *

Sat at the little wooden table, I could see Dean examining me.

I could barely keep my eyes open due to lack of sleep. Pushing the food in the tray around with my plastic fork, I hadn't eaten anything.

"Are you okay, dude?" Dean asked.

"I'm fine." _**I'm not fine, please help me.**_

"You don't look so good."

"I'm just tired." _**I can't take this anymore.**_

"You haven't touched your food."

"I'm not really hungry." _**I'm starving.**_

"Are you cold?"

"No."_** I just don't want you to see the scars.**_

Dean obviously didn't believe me.

"Can you stop with the 20 questions!" I stated.

"What's wrong with you?" Dean's tone surprisingly showed no anger.

"Nothing, just leave me alone." _**Please don't leave me with him. Show me that you care enough to stay.**_

"Sammy?"

I lowered my head.

"Sammy?"

I looked up at him and caught his gaze.

"Is it Lucifer?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"Sammy?" Dean asked softly.

I sighed before nodding.

"I thought you said it was better."

"It is better." _**It's never been so bad.**_

"Sam?" He was trying to get an answer out of me.

"It is."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I said I'm fine." _**I want to die.**_

Pushing away the tray of chips, I got up from the chair and walked off.

* * *

Stood in front of the bathroom mirror, I held the knife in my hand. Pushing up the sleeve of my shirt, I tried to block out Lucifer's constant chatter. With the knife, I sliced away at the flesh showing no mercy.

"Sammy!" A voice, which belonged to Dean shouted.

I jumped in shock at the sound of him approaching the motel room causing my hand to slip and the knife to cut deeper than I'd ever cut before creating a dangerously deep wound on the top of my arm. I winced in pain. "Ahh!" The world began to spin around me as I saw the blood pouring down my arm. I stumbled forwards, causing me to have to reach out my other arm and grip the wall for support. My eyelids began to flicker before I saw black spots in my vision. After that, every went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sammy!...Sammy!..." I heard someone scream; ripping me out of the darkness and back into the light. Flickering my eyelids open slightly, Dean's green eyes immediately fixed on mine. He looked dangerously close to tears.

I could tell that I was lying on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, I was then able to infer that I must have collapsed.

"Sammy!" Dean called once again. "What the hell?"

My heart sank. Dean looked so petrified as he held me in his arms. "I thought it would all go away...I thought it would make him go away..." I stated weakly.

Dean sighed before pulling me closer into a protective embrace, his hand supporting my head. I could hear his heavy, scared breathing."Why didn't you tell me all of this was going on in your grapefruit?" He asked. "I could have helped you."

"How, D'n?" I asked pulling away slightly so that I was looking directly at him. "There is nothing you could have done, so please, don't beat yourself up about it."

"You could have died, Sam." He stated. "What were you thinking?"

I glanced at my arms. Dean had tightly wrapped the motel towels around them to staunch the bleeding. "I was thinking that if I caused myself enough pain, he would go away."

Dean's eyes widened upon realisation that I was still keeping some of the details from him. Although it was obvious that he was angry, he looked more hurt by the fact I hadn't told him any of this. "How long have you been doing this?" He asked in a soft tone.

"About a month..." I answered, lowering my head.

"But why cut yourself, what about the cut on your hand?"

"That stopped working weeks ago." I stated. "I was just cutting a little bit a day, just enough to make him disappear." I noticed the look on his face. "I know what you're thinking, but I wasn't trying to kill myself. Today...the knife slipped and I cut too deep."

"We'll find a way to help you, Sam." Dean stated softly.

I sighed, my head lowered.

"Hey..." Dean placed his hands on my cheeks and lifted my head so that I was looking at him. "We will help you."

I nodded. "Thanks, Dean."

"You're welcome, Sammy."


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, I awoke with a yawn and rubbed my eyes before looking around the room. I furrowed an eyebrow as I noticed Dean's bed empty. This meant that Dean was already up and about. That immediately struck me as weird. Dean was never the first up out of the two of us. Dean wasn't in the main room of the motel room either, but I could faintly hear the sound of his voice. Lifting my head off the pillow, I listened into the conversation that was taking place in the bathroom. I guessed that he was on the phone to someone.

"I don't know what to do Bobby. I walked in here yesterday and found him unconscious and bleeding to death on the bathroom floor. His arms were cut to shreds." I heard Dean explain.

"I know he's going through a rough time right now but he tried to kill himself yesterday and you want me to just sit back with my thumb up my ass while he gets tormented by the devil?"

"I thought he was over this Bobby..." Dean was referring to my teenage years when this was a daily act for me. I hated everything back then. School. Hunting. Dad. The life we had. So cutting was the way that I got through it all. Bobby found me out last time though. He was the one that tried to help me. Dean and Dad didn't understand. They just thought I was crazy, and Dad just shouted abuse at me about how 'selfish' i was being and how 'he had bigger problems to focus on' rather than having to deal with his suicidal son. Bobby wanted me to see a shrink, but Dad wouldn't have it. He said that it would be too risky in case I accidentally 'fucked up and couldn't keep my trap shut about what we actually do'.

"Just get here, Bobby." Dean hung up.

I quickly dropped back down on the pillow and closed my eyes pretending to be asleep.

The door of the bathroom could be heard swinging open before Dean walked back into the main room of the motel.

I opened my eyes once again.

"Sleeping beauty awakens." Dean smirked.

I pretended to yawn. "Shut up, Bitch!"

"Jerk." He smiled. "Bobby's coming round. He's been working a job a couple of miles out of town so he said he would stop by."

"So that has nothing to do with what happened yesterday?" I asked, dryly.

"Sam..." Dean began.

"I didn't try and kill myself. I know you think I'm one pill away from ending it all, Dean, but I'm not. Yesterday was a mistake. I cut too deep, that's all."

"Sam, I found you unconscious on the floor! Blood everywhere!" Dean's tone rose louder and anger was clearly present.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you tell me, Sam?" Dean asked, his tone as if he was judging me.

I glared at him. "Why didn't I tell you?" I stood up from the bed. "How about because I knew you'd react like this, like I'm some suicidal freak. Because you'd react like you did last time. These past few months since I got my soul back, you've been treating me like shit! You don't tell me anything, you don't let me in on plans...You certainly don't trust me!"

"So you turned to this?"

"Yes." I nodded. "I had _no one_ else..." My voice cracked as I held back tears.

Dean just looked at me for a few seconds, before pulling me into a hug and wrapping his arms around me.

I leant into his hold as the tears came.

When he pulled away, his expression was soft and laced with guilt. "Sammy, you have to promise me, that you next time you feel like...you know...whatever you feel like before you..." Dean obviously didn't want to say the word. "That you will come to me. Please..." He practically begged. "I don't care if it's after we've had an argument, I don't care if it's 1AM in the morning, I don't care if I'm pissed at you...Come to me, and I'll get you through it. I'll help you, Sammy. I'll look after you..." He paused. "Please, you have to promise me you will."

I nodded. "I will, Dean."

Dean wiped away a tear.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean had gone out to get lunch. Although I didn't feel remotely hungry, I knew that he needed a distraction from all of this crap, and if it would make him happy if I ate something, then I would.

"Hey, Sammy..." Spoke the devil on my shoulder, or in this case, the devil sat on the edge of Dean's bed. "Nice trick you pulled back there. It really worked for a good..." He looked at the clock on the wall. "Six hours."

I didn't make eye contact with him.

"You can keep on ignoring me, Sam. But you will crack..." He stated. "It's inevitable." A evil smile lit up his face, before I heard the sound of the door opening.

Dean entered the room. He immediately noticed that I seemed off. "You okay?"

I glanced at where Lucifer had been, before looking back at Dean and nodding. "Yeah, I'm good."

"I brought food." He dumped a paper bag down on the table. Emptying it, he handed me a white polystyrene container. "One salad for Sir Francis."

"Thanks, Dean." I smiled before picking up the fork and opening the lid. Inside, the lettuce leaves were swarming with worms, spiders and beetles. I gasped and threw the container down on the floor.

Dean smiled grimly. "What's wrong, Sam?" He cocked his head to the side.

I immediately began to back away from him.

"Let me help you, Sam..." He repeated over and over as he followed me across the room.

I kept moving away from him, until I reached the wall of the motel room.

"Not so strong now, are you, Sam?" He grinned. "You know what to do..." Dean's head turned.

I followed his gaze to my knife which was still sat above the sink in the bathroom.

"Just one cut, Sam. One cut and it'll all be over." He stated.

"No..." I shook my head, shrinking down the wall until I was sitting on the wooden floor.

"You're pathetic...Worthless..." He shouted. "You know you are...So what's the point?"

Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I continued to shake my head.

"Sammy...Sammy..." Dean grinned.

"Sammy!" A strong voice shouted, shaking me until my eyes focused on him.

Looking up, Dean was knelt down in front of me with a panicked expression.

My tone was weak and tearful. "I need help..."

Dean nodded before pulling me into his arms in a tight embrace. "I know, Sammy. I'll help you, we'll get through this. We always do."


End file.
